Getting the Love You Want--A Guide for Couples-- by Harville Hendrix Ph.D

Author:Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

THE LIMITS OF FRIENDSHIP

WE (HARVILLE AND Helen) gradually resigned ourselves to the fact that healing love has to come from outside oneself. But did it have to come from an intimate partner? Couldn’t it come from a close friend? We both have had opportunities to observe and experience the healing potential of friendships. Close bonds often develop between members of therapy groups, and we encouraged this love and support. And we are often able to share more with our childhood friend than with our intimate partner. But friendships, while powerful antidotes to loneliness and sources of self-esteem, are limited in their ability to heal the profound yearning we feel.

We concluded that the love we are seeking has to come not just from another person within the context of a safe, intimate relationship but from an Imago match—someone so similar to our parents that our unconscious mind has them merged. This appears to be the only way to erase the pains of childhood. We may enjoy the hugs and attentions of other people, but the effects are transitory. It’s like the difference between sugar and NutraSweet. Our taste buds may be deceived by the taste of artificial sweeteners, but our bodies derive no nourishment from them. In just such a way, we hunger for love from our original caregivers or from people who are so similar to them that on an unconscious level we cannot distinguish one from the other.

But this brought us back full circle to the original dilemma: How can our partners heal us if they have some of the same negative traits as our caregivers? Aren’t they the least likely candidates to soothe our emotional injuries? If the daughter of a distant, self-absorbed father unconsciously selects a workaholic for a husband, how can her relationship satisfy her need for closeness and intimacy? If the son of a depressed, sexually repressed mother chooses to marry a depressed, frigid wife, how can he recapture his sensuality and joy? If a girl whose father died when she was young moves in with a man who refuses to marry her, how can she feel loved and secure?

An answer began to take shape in our minds. If people were going to be healed, we conjectured, their partners would have to change. It was the only logical conclusion. The workaholic husband would have to willingly redirect some of his energy back to his wife. The depressed, frigid wife would have to recover her energy and sensuality. The reluctant lover would have to lower his barriers to intimacy. Then and only then would they be able to give their partners the consistent nurturing they had been looking for all their lives.

It was at this point that we began to see the unconscious selection process in a new light: while it was often true that what one partner needed the most was what the other partner was least able to give, it also happened to be the precise area where that partner needed to grow! For

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